Can Pepper HotPants Get Some?

Hiiiii, (*exhausted beauty queen, mascara streaking wave*) I’ve been on a semi-world tour promoting things that I do that I can’t fully divulge here because then well, my real identity might be revealed… But that’s neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is all this work and all this traveling has sadly left me like the Sahara (if you get my drift) … Before I left for London, I wrote this email to my girls:

“Dear Girlies, ideally I’d like to spend the next year writing about my many trysts with lots of lovers, a few in London (that won’t tell my future husband there), an older European man with a chizzled handsome face and lean body, a 24 year old “young back” cuz they put in work, a civilian with a non- offensive uniform (more fire fighter than fast food), Idris Elba, Marlo & Avon from “The Wire” <– all at the same time (I will call that chapter my “celebrity clusterfuck”).”

The fact of the matter is NONE of that happened on tour…(*kicking boulders*) And I’m quite pissed about it! What the hell? Did someone send out a PSA: No action for PHP! Dammit. So I get home to the reality of my non-existent “love come down” situation and revel in my options, which are as follows:

The Indian man who works the overnight shift at the local bodega. He always catches me looking like walk a shame material in the middle of the night on my way to get a sandwich. He also always has an awfully disgusting perverted painted on smile.

The fiiiiiiiine, engaged, long talker that lives downstairs. I’ve seen him during the day, so… not.sure.that.he.works. Yet I see his soon-to-be wife only after work hours. They have one of the smaller apartments on the north wing, so I have to wonder if he’s trying to upgrade - apartment wise.

Trey Songz (maybe he and I can meet up on tour - swoon!)

Craigslist.

The stark, dark reality. What is a girl to do? I’m a 20-esque looking 38 year old (no seriously, really!! I have to thank my mother for these lengthy legs and flawless skin). I’m smart. I’m fit. I’m active in my community sometimes.  And I’m traveling all over the world, yet in still, I can’t get any!

Have I been blacklisted from the “I just want to f*ck every girl in the world” list?

Is some man scared I’ll write about our sexual escapades on this website (I will and I will looooove giving you a nickname based on what you do and how you do it :)?

Am I doing something wrong?

Starting right this minute I’m going to be more proactive on my quest for a bedfellow. I promise to let you know how my adventures go.

Until next time…

PHP

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